Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

I have recently converted to vampirism. Yes, I shall embrace the night as a child of darkness. But even we children of darkness need to furnish our new apartments with cool tables too. As a newly formed vampire (as well as new home owner), I refuse to indulge in a mortal fascination with products from the likes of Ikea, but I promise to not drain your blood if you help me become a truly well-furbished night stalker. Deal?—Vlad

Dear Vlad,

Somebody really needs to lay off the Anne Rice novels. Now, I normally don’t associate with you gloom-and-doom types, but I’m worried that if I tell you to buzz off, you’re going to start reciting really sad poetry to me. So, what I’d suggest you do is, instead of just getting some spooky looking table, you head down to Singapore Casket (131 Lavender St., 6293-4388) and pick out a couple of their coffins for a dining or coffee table. They’ve got a whole bunch to choose from and the best part is you can call them 24 hours a day—to fit your “stalking” hours or whatever.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

My girlfriend’s not exactly the best driver around. No, I’m not stereotyping because she’s a woman, but I really do get downright frightened every time she’s behind the wheel. I can’t count the number of times my life has flashed before my eyes since we started dating. I love her, but I just can’t muster up the words to tell her that she turns a car into a death trap. Help.—Driven Up the Walls

Dear Driven Up the Walls,

Well, as you know, I’m all about subtlety, so here’s the plan, Driven. Pick up for yourself a nice full-face motorbike helmet from Chong Aik International (48 Desker Rd., 6291-2532) and the next time you get into the car with her, strap it on just before she starts the engine, then smile innocently at her. I’m pretty sure she’ll get the picture­. And even if she doesn’t, at least you’ll start to feel safer in the car with her, right?