In the upcoming stage comedy The Hypochondriac written by the 17th century French playwright Moliere and presented by young & W!LD, Argan is a man so overwhelmed by his hypochondria that he has lost control of his entire household. In a devious attempt to feed his malady at the lowest cost possible, he forces his daughter to marry a doctor just so he can get a lifetime’s supply of free medication.

We think such extremities are unnecessary—here are a few less damaging tips to help all you hypochondriacs out there live a well-balanced life.

• Maintain a few close, sympathetic friends who will listen to you with genuine concern when you are “suffering from ebola.” For some reason, nobody really cares when hypochondriacs say that they’re sick.

• Ditch the MRT and buy/borrow/hijack a car to work—the thought of sharing recycled air with a thousand other people in a confined space could trigger off spasms, and then you’ll be late for work.

• Self-impose a time limit to your web-surfing activities. Out of 10 obscure, weird maladies you dig up, you’ll probably convince yourself you contracted 11.

• Take up an active sport to distract your mind from the million and one possible diseases you might have contracted—though you will also run the risk of having a sprained/swollen ankle. It is NOT Elephantiasis.

• Get that lump in your throat checked—it’s a long shot, but it could be an Adam’s apple.